You shouldn't long for anything more.
You shouldn't be curious.
You shouldn't feel connected to your biological relatives.
You shouldn't love them.
You shouldn't need them.
You should always remember that your real parents are the ones who raised you.
You should be loyal to the adoptive family.
You shouldn't talk too much about being adopted.
Adoptee friends, what Shoulds and Shouldn'ts did you internalize? Did you get them from your adoptive parents or from the broader culture?
My adoptive parents never said any of these things to me directly, but the messages were encoded in the words that they carefully repeated from the pamphlet the agency gave them—words intended to foster a feeling of belonging in me by emphasizing how completely they considered me to be their daughter and a member of the family … no different than if I had been born to them. My parents were well intentioned, and they were doing the best they could with the tools that were available to them at the time. But the unintended result was there was no acceptable place for the feelings of "not belonging" that naturally arose in me. Such feelings are a natural part of the adopted life, but they were forbidden feelings, as were feelings of affection and connection toward the biological family.
I understand that it's important to keep things in perspective. There are worse fates an infant could have than to be placed into the arms of a loving, infertile couple. I know that my adoptive parents love me. And I love them. But please don't try to tell me that that should be enough. It isn't.
The feelings that I have regarding my biological family are natural and normal. They are encoded somewhere deep within my DNA. My biggest challenge as an adoptee has been my ongoing struggle to come to terms with these emotions within the dominant culture of adoption, which neither validates nor approves of this aspect of my experience. I am continually shrugging off these Shoulds and Shouldn'ts. I shake them off. I claim my own truth. But they are persistent, these cultural beliefs. It's a process I must repeat again and again.
Beautifully said, Rebecca. These cultural messages are really difficult to shake off. I have to remind myself often that I'm not being disloyal to my adoptive parents, who have passed away, when I speak out for honesty and transparency in adoption. It took me a long time to realize it's the culture that needs changing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Susan. Cultural opinions as a whole need to be drastically changed regarding what's "appropriate" and "inappropriate" for especially adoptees & birth parents to think and feel. As a birth parent I continually have to shake off societal expectations of how I should be. But every time we write or speak out we have a chance to change someone's mind. That's why I keep talking about it even though I'm tired of being a broken record. Every post, every word (whether spoken or written) has potential to change someone, and that someone can pass that change to other people.
ReplyDeleteMy mother was adopted, and I've talked to her a lot about adoption, especially since I'm an adoptive mom. We've talked a lot about these should's and shouldn'ts, and I've asked her how they have affected her. She told me that most of these things really are not an issue for her. I asked her why, and she said that it was because in her house growing up, adoption was not taboo, it was talked about openly inside the house and out. Because of this I believe she is able to have a healthy outlook on her adoption, her adoption was not open, it was 1958, but because my grandparents encouraged "emotional openness" she was able process her feelings about who she was.
ReplyDeleteI am glad for all of the adult adoptees that are speaking out today, because it means that if us adoptive moms are listening, then the next generation of adoptees won't be considered by society as "angry".
Fab post... I'm trying hard not to put any shoulds on our family. Society's ones are a bit harder to influence but with more blogs and articles and discussion like this we could start making a shift.
ReplyDeleteThis had a drastic negative impact on my life. Having feelings that were "bad" or "wrong" or hurtful to my adoptive parents I internalized it and never trusted any of my feelings and felt I was bad or wrong. This has affected me greatly throughout my life. I do not trust my own feelings and constantly ask for reassurance about the choices I make or the things I do or the feelings I feel. I usually have to ask for outside input on a lot of things to make sure my feelings are"right".
ReplyDeleteYour post is both instructive to adoptive parents and empowering to adopted people: " I shake them off. I claim my own truth." Thanks for your insight.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I needed this today. And I wish I could share it with every adoptive parent in the country.
ReplyDeleteMy adoptive parents went along with "the shoulds" (well-intentioned as they were), I internalized the shoulds as best I could as a child but have rejected many of them as I've grown up and through the support of other adoptees. I found my birth mother fifteen years ago, but she also accepts these shoulds and wants no relationship with me. I'm not looking for sympathy, just pointing out that even our own birth mothers sometimes can't get past the cultural beliefs that we adoptees are saddled with.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Patti. It reminded me of this article, which I read earlier today: http://www.adoption.com/articles/the-second-rejection.html
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that your birth mother is also stuck in the "shoulds." I agree with you that the cultural beliefs affect all connected to adoption, not just adoptees.
Thanks everyone for your comments, recent and less recent! :-)
ReplyDeleteGood article - I like that the author talks about the elephant in the room called anger, who sits on many laps. Lots of elephants in the adoption room: guilt, abandonment, loss, to name a few. Thank you for your blog where we can try to help each other and ourselves through the adoption maze.
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