Saturday, November 24, 2012

NaBloPoMo/NAAM Day 24: Love

Today's prompt is about love. I've already written about relationships in a post published earlier this month. I also participated in the discussion that became today's post at Lost Daughters. To these I will simply add the following quote, which rings true for me:
A person has to have a good sense of self to be secure enough to get close to another without the threat of being unmasked as a fraud. Adoptees who have spent their lives covering over their real feelings often avoid intimacy for fear of being discovered for the impostors they know they are. Let down your guard, they think, and everyone will see that under the confident self you present to the world, there is really a weak and frightened child. -- Betty Jean Lifton, Journey of the Adopted Self
www.123rf.com

3 comments:

  1. Read the Lost Mothers discussion. Great piece! One of the concepts I would like to add to that mix is The Wedding Ring. The Baby Scoop era was also a time when teenage weddings were not uncommon, but I think they're pretty rare now.

    My sister got married a few weeks after she turned 18. One of my cousins was also quite young for her big fancy white wedding. Married? Great! Have some birth control pills. Pregnant? No problem.)

    Few people, if any, expected these marriages to last.

    I think of pregnancy at that time as some kind of trick question with no right answe:. You're a teenage girl in the 60s. You live in a society that puts a high value on "coupledom." Going steady in important! Being "in love" is important! If you date more than one guy at the same time you are a slut whether you have sex or not. You must couple up!

    But when you get pregnant in that world with no sex education and minimal birth control and no such thing as a safe abortion (although I knew a number of girls who had "D&C" operations . . . funny how you never hear about that any more), but when you get pregnant your only acceptable choice is marriage, at which point all is forgiven and forgotten. Except by you and your teenage husband who are now thrown into the Jell-O mold of family.

    I still wonder why that wedding ring made everything okay for some, even if the marriage was over before the baby was born.

    Really? Was that all we had to do? Say some words? Sign a paper? If only we'd known. Oh, wait a minute. There may have been a few strings attached.

    But really, that's ALL we had to do? Say "I do"?

    And seriously, we probably could have been talked into it, but adoption adoption adoption was so much the better option to keep the whole incident buried so we could all just forget about it. (Apparently, my mother thought her in-laws never knew about my pregnancy, but when I visited them soon after reunion, they were delighted to hear that part of the story. It never had dawned on me that they didn't know. I just thought everyone in the world knew.)

    End line: I could not believe in the myth of a successful teenage marriage, but I was able to believe that adoption would make everything all right. Most pregnant teenagers now wouldn't go for either solution.

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  2. Thanks! Good points.

    "I was able to believe that adoption would make everything all right." Unfortunately, that's the myth that's still being pushed -- the big lie of adoption that so many of us are fighting against.

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  3. Also, just noticed that you wrote "Lost Mothers" in your comment -- I assume unintentionally, but there actually is such a group: http://www.thelostmothers.org/

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