And yet, I am neither unhappy nor angry on a regular basis in my actual life. In fact, I would describe myself as relatively happy, on the whole. It's been a long road, but I find myself in a fairly good place here in middle age. I'm aware that my personal adoption story has much that is positive about it when compared to the stories of other adoptees I have met. I was relatively well-matched with my adoptive family. When I was ready to search for my biological family, the information that I needed was available to me and I had the support of my adoptive parents in searching. I have been able to process my adoption issues through therapy, writing, and other means. I have been able to learn about myself and to experience the relief of genetic mirroring through reunion. I currently have good relationships with four pretty awesome parents. I have a supportive online network of adoptee friends who "get" me.
Not a bad situation, all in all.
Adoptees are sometimes asked why we can't just "move on" and "let go of the past." This is not a simple thing to do because our past is part of who we are today, but though I may not have moved on, I have made my peace with my life's story. I have accepted "that what happened happened," to borrow a phrase from Betty Jean Lifton.
But I still get triggered emotionally when I encounter certain adoption-related stimuli. The main things that trigger me these days have to do with the current state of the domestic infant adoption industry in U.S. and with the "positive adoption language" used to promote it.
For example, a tweet such as the following will cause my blood pressure to spike:
Adoption Network @AdoptionFeed "A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye HardwickWhy does this upset me? It's not because I hate birthmothers or judge them for the choices they have made. It's because the statement includes the automatic assumption that the child's needs are best served by separating the child from the mother, an assumption I consider to be false. Yes, I understand that every situation is different, and there may be situations in which the separation is unavoidable or perhaps even the best of bad options. But it seems to me that mothers considering relinquishment today are given insufficient information about adoptee loss and trauma. Without such information -- without access to the stories of adoptees such as myself -- they cannot make an informed decision about what the child truly needs. Idealizing rhetoric about "brave birthmothers" making the "self-sacrificing" choice to do what is "best" for the child is manipulative. It comes from the industry (initially, at least), and its intention is to persuade mothers that their children are better off without them -- an oversimplification in some cases, and an outright falsity in others.
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| Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
I'm triggered when I see things like the National Council for Adoption's call for personal stories that they can share to "raise awareness about the positive option of adoption" as part of their iChooseAdoption campaign. And don't even get me started on the organization BraveLove and their mission to celebrate and increase adoption in the U.S.
It's a strange thing to be an adoptee who has struggled with adoption in our current society.
Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful. – The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBELately, I've been thinking also that adoption is perhaps the only situation in which something that is a source of trauma for many is routinely celebrated and promoted by others. Think of other kinds of loss that people experience. Can you imagine those people walking around in a world that actively promoted the source of their harm?
Yes, I know there are adoptees who report being "just fine" with their adoptive situation. But does their experience override my own? If a number of people reported getting food poisoning at a particular restaurant would we ignore their claims because others reported having a lovely meal?
My perception is that adoptee trauma and loss is given an occasional nod in today's world, but it is still not being fully taken into account in terms of policy and reform. And so I will continue to tell my story, rather than "moving on."
I have these same triggers. There are some who seem to get it, and I hang out with them and I forget that there is BraveLove and iChooseAdoption who what to "increase" (!) adoptions! What? This just makes me shake my head.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laura. I know what you mean. It's maddening!
ReplyDeleteOne of my son's adoptive family members takes regular pot shots at me, his mother. The most recent is a "quote" which reads, Family Is Not Always Blood", posted for all the world to see (myself being the main target, I am sure). These people have done nothing since I have found my child (after being shut out of his life in a supposed open adoption that closed after only a few years) but dehumanize and degrade me, when they know how I have suffered without my child. They claim to be good "Christians", nonetheless. The cruelty and hatefulness I have encountered has opened my eyes to the cruel realities of adoption. It has been my worst nightmare, instead of this "win-win" for all. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My child AND I have had to endure this despicable behavior all because his adoptive mother could not get pregnant at one time in her life. She ended up having her own son a few years after she adopted mine, but that was not enough for her. She had to continue to punish me for her temporarily infertility for the rest of her life. That is not love, even for the child she covets. That is sick and inhumane.
ReplyDeleteTo all those who have problem with anyone speaking of the pain of adoption, perhaps you could open your minds and hearts to the plights of others, instead of only yourselves. I know that is astoundingly hard, as I have learned the hard way...
Thanks for commenting, Sandra. That sounds like such a difficult situation!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I do get triggered by the same things - when only positive is allowed and marketing that misleads without any type of disclaimer - yet required by advertisers of other types of products bother me the most. Is there not a federal advertising standards in the US that goes after them? Is it because Adoption is seen to be all good - so they assume anything posted is true and don't investigate? It boggles my mind.
ReplyDeleteI was struck by the following lines, which I read last week at Adoption Voices Magazine:
ReplyDelete"My belief is that adoption has become institutionalized in the world, much like racism. The myths of adoption are widespread and widely accepted without question." http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/expert-connection/expert-connection-why-are-we-reluctant-to-face-the-painful-truths-of-adoption/
There's definitely something odd that happens sometimes. Adoptees and original parents speak up and share these heart-breaking stories of personal pain and the response is as if they have violated some sacred code or social order. I agree, it boggles the mind. I've sometimes said that being adopted feels like being trapped in a Kafka novel one's whole life!
Great post. I love "I've been thinking also that adoption is perhaps the only situation in which something that is a source of trauma for many is routinely celebrated and promoted by others" and "I know there are adoptees who report being "just fine" with their adoptive situation. But does their experience override my own?" Glad you're out there telling your story.
ReplyDeleteI hate being told how my children should be grateful/feel fortunate etc etc that we adopted them. I love them without a shadow of a doubt and love being their mum and see no reason why they should feel lucky that their birth family circumstances led to our adoption.
ReplyDeleteThanks as always for fab post.
It's interesting to read your blog. We were considering adopting through foster care, we wanted to help kids, like my uncles, who had been abused to find families. All the negativity and open hatred towards adoptive parents has lead us to putting it on the back burner. I hate to say it - but we are now afraid to adopt. We know it can be amazing and wonderful, but we feel that society now vilifies adoptive parents. We've put the plan on hold temporarily and hoping to find some sense in this situation. We want to help children, but we don't know if we are brave enough to take the hatred. We do know that adoptive parents aren't perfect and some can be truly horrible. But it feels like a war where everyone loses. I hope that people in all roles in this debate can talk to each other respectfully and improve the situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting. I try my best on this blog to make it clear that I am criticizing a broken system rather than individuals or families, but apparently I am not always successful. Most of my criticism of the adoption institution is aimed at domestic infant adoption because that is the part of the system that directly impacted my life and because I have serious concerns about its current state. There are problems with international adoption as well but other people are more qualified than I am to write about that.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious if you have read many things on my blog or just this one post. Are you aware that I myself am an adoptive parent as well as an adoptee? I adopted my youngest daughter by way of foster care; she was 8 when she joined our family. We have a very open adoption involving lots of contact with her biological family. I just came home from watching her score a game-changing point in her final basketball game of the season -- it was awesome! Parenting her is one of the great joys of my life -- more rewarding than I can possibly express.
The child welfare system is also in need of reform in many states, and I would love to see our society place more value on efforts to strengthen vulnerable families _before_ kids come into foster care (not all kids in foster care were abuse; some had families that broke down in other ways). But obviously, children should not remain in unsafe or abusive situations, and we do need a way for children to be cared for by others when their parents are truly unable to do so. And once a child has been separated from the original family and reunification efforts have failed, I support the position of childrensrights.org that "child welfare systems must be prepared to move quickly to find them permanent alternative homes — usually through adoption."
I strongly encourage people who are drawn to adoption to consider adopting an older child from foster care. I hope you will read the article I published at Adoption Voices Magazine on older child adotpion: http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/straight-from-the-heart/adopting-an-older-child-from-foster-care/
Please feel free to email me at loveisnotapie@gmail.com if you would like to hear more about my experience of adopting from foster care. I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have about my personal experience.
But this post that you have commented on is about something different. It's about what it's like to be someone like me, an adoptee who has struggled as a result of having been separated from my biological family and kept separated from them for 30 years, in a world where one encounters sayings such as "adoption is a beautiful option" and entire groups that exist solely for the purpose of promoting and celebrating adoption. Adoption is complicated. It involved loss. This post isn't about adoptive parents. It's about me and how I respond to certain things that I encounter in the world.
Thank you, Cathy!
ReplyDelete"but we feel that society now vilifies adoptive parents."
ReplyDeleteKind of how society has ALWAYS vilified natural parents? Doesn't feel so nice, now does it?
That being said, I beg to differ. Adoptive parents more often than not seen as saintly and can do no wrong, while natural families just need to go away and let them live in fantasy land. How do I know? I have lived it.
I'm sure there's a lot out there but haven't found it. I'm adopted from Colombia. The 'may I help you' when I'm standing with my mother because I don't look like her. Appreciate the words spoken here as we'll as the replies.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, the experience of relinquishment and the experience of adoption have been lumped together. I've seen adoptees write things like "I hate my relinquishment and love my adoption."
ReplyDeleteI can see how some might say that, and I can respect that point of view, but it's not a distinction that resonates for me personally. I can say that I love my adoptive family, but that's not the same as loving my adoption. I didn't love growing up without genetic mirroring or knowledge of my roots, for example. Also, relinquishment doesn't occur in a vacuum. My mother was coerced into relinquishment, as were millions of others in the Baby Scoop Era. Adoption was pushed as the _only_ option. Even today, coercion is a big part of the adoption picture. No, not in all cases, but in far too many. Adoption does not exist in the world today solely as a solution to relinquishment; rather, in many cases, relinquishment happens as a direct result of the adoption industry's need to procure infants for parents who want to adopt.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting.
ReplyDeleteI think coercion happens nearly all the time. They have just gotten a lot more subtle about it.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone who has ever relinquished a child ever prefaced that relinquishment with a thought like "I can't raise a child right now because ___", they surrendered their child under duress, and the fact that the only "help" they got was someone else helping themselves to the child is morally reprehensible.
Infant adoption in particular is being used to shove as many women as possible off welfare before they even think of applying for it. The states buy into it because it saves them money. Never mind the money they are already spending on foster care because they will not make the investment into families that would keep a lot of these cases from descending into subpar parenting or neglect or abuse in the first place. No one ever accused Americans of being capable of taking the long view.
Try being a poor mother and get back to me. The anger you're hearing is the backlash.
ReplyDeleteI witnessed people telling my ex-MIL (the adopter of my son) that she was some kind of big hero and I was a scumbag, only because she had adopted my son, no other reason. Everyone has been taught to knee-jerk assume that adopters are always good and parents are always bad. This is how it plays out.
If he'd been with me all this time we'd have had financial difficulty. Since he went with them his metabolic health has gone down the tubes, and he's had to witness his stepgrandfather going on drunken rampages and being arrested for same. I have had some doozy relationships, but I have never had one with an alcoholic that lasted any length of time. Having been raised by them, I dreaded repeating history.
I think my son would have rather gone without the money. Maybe I'll get to find out when he's 18 next year.
The truth is that any idiot can adopt if they can just find someone willing to sign a child over. You do not have to go through an agency, you do not have to have a home study. You can do it totally private. That may vary somewhat by state but if one state's laws are a bit too restrictive, just go do it in another state and all the states will recognize the adoption. No problem.
My best friend since second grade is a social worker and has no love lost for neglectful or abusive biological parents but has flat out told me that adoptive parents and stepparents are more likely to abuse kids than natural parents are. You just do not have that genetic link nor that continuum of experience with the child from conception onwards and if you aren't very, very careful and very, very aware, it can backfire. Most people don't have the stamina to keep that up forever.